everything is cyclical

i have been listening to dionne by the japanese house on repeat for the past few days. after seeing them open for lorde, i haven't been able to listen to anyone else. i am a big fan of all of their work, especially the latest album, but dionne has always been sacred to me. listening to it over and over has me reflecting a lot on how we tie certain songs back to different versions of ourselves.

amber bain talks about life repeating itself in sunshine baby. she says, "perform my stupid rituals, everything is cyclical, hold onto this feeling 'cause you won't feel it for long." you grow older & wiser but you still find yourself circling back to the same emotions, the same habits, and the same ache. the difference is that you can see it more clearly now.

the first time i listened to dionne, i think i was 20. my priorities were very different. i was focused on my failing relationship, my classes, and my part-time job i hated. now, at 26, everything about my life has changed. i moved across the country and had to start over. but when i listen to dionne, i am right back to my old nissan, driving to my friend's college town for the weekend, feeling hopeful that there is more.

back then, i was convincing myself to believe that what i had was what i wanted. i wasn't unhappy, just quietly unsettled. i didn't know how to name it yet, feeling like i wanted something greater. i am on the other side of that now. i know who i am, what i want, and what i'll no longer settle for, but i still carry those same big, messy feelings i had at 20, a little naive and endlessly searching.

in dionne, amber says, "your past becomes your present if it's always on your mind." i am someone who is constantly finding myself living in the past. there are moments, like when i hear a song i used to play with my old friends, where i cannot help but think back to who i used to be. i used to get upset with myself when i did this. it either caused a crash out or would dampen my mood for the rest of the day. lately, i have been admiring these moments, looking back more fondly on those memories and giving myself more grace. i was insecure, making mistakes, scared, but still learning. i can look back without the ache of wishing i could go back. i am choosing to believe this means i am on the right path, but we'll see!

dionne is a timeless song, everything amber bain and bon iver touch turns to gold. i feel tied to this song. it holds a version of me who was still figuring it all out with blind hope. i love listening to my playlists from that time now and revisiting that girl. she would be so happy we held on. i know in six more years i will look back on my playlists now and reminisce on the 26 yr old girl who is still hopeful, still growing, and still measuring time in music.

step on up! pay them no mind! you're alone with this one!

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if you are reading this, i hope you are having a good day, night, whatever. wishing you all the best.